Email This Page
This is legal!
When we first proposed this project, back in the glorious, conservative Reagan years, the investors we talked to killed the plan right out of the gate. They told us we’d be sued out of existence in a matter of minutes by the ultra-rich, ultra-chic gay attorneys of Manhattan. Apparently it’s not legal for us to reveal the names of the people who hold the power to kill you in a single moment of earthly bliss, but it’s legal for them to take that glory toll on your business.
We thread the loopholes!
Thanks to the technological expansion of the last 10 years, we’ve created safe havens in nations that better understand the value of protecting human life. Our banking is in one country, our name server in another, our host in yet a third, and our United States operatives are all “private contractors” or “immigrant workers.” We aren’t just skirting the law, we’re skipping it entirely.
We Do It Right!
Unlike the many “free” AIDS tracking sites out there, our results are certified true and authentic. You pay a premium because the information is worth it. Many of the free sites use randomly generated names or borrow from the list of area registered Democrats, which is often fairly accurate, but ours is ACTUALLY accurate.
We Don’t Overdo It… YET!
If we had the ability to overdo it, I swear by every fiber of my straight, monogamous, Christian being, I would not rest until we overdid it. If we could overdo it, we would. We can’t, so we don’t, and that’s how you know we don’t. I’d love to, but it isn’t an option… yet!
We Protect You More than the Police, Congress or Constitution!
If you have a knife at your neck, you need the police. If you have a moistest mushroom tip in your face, there’s nobody to look out for you but us. Is that a lethal weapon or just a handsome man phallus? There is no official registry, but the market has spoken, and AIDSMapper is here to fill that mandate crevasse.
If you believe everything you read in the Jew York Times, you’d think your chance of getting AIDS is about as rare as your chance of winning the lottery. Fine, we’ll use that analogy; if I could tell you the winning numbers right now, what would you be willing to pay? That’s what we offer. You have someone you want to connect fluids with, friend or spouse, we can tell you with modest, though non-guaranteed accuracy, if you’re going to win or lose with that pull tab.
When you do the soft math, you’ll find that the numbers add up, and that the service we offer makes sense, and would agree that full participation should be mandatory instead of “almost” illegal.